LITTLE l i t t l e little things

These last few weeks have been hard on me. It is all I can do to stay above the surface... I think things are hard because I just refuse to yield and take in the medicine I am given. I am humbled each day by that reminder and try so hard to just fall back into the arms of others and let it all be... Not so easy for me - I need control and scoff at vulnerability. But I am trying...
 My most grateful moments are alone with Magnus, many days he is that medicine, that reminder. There is no rushing his awake hours three days a week when it is just me and him. It is the few hours I just S I T and let life move around me. Tuesday once I had packed and moved too many boxes out of the big kids' room while he was sleeping, we went back in and walked around the empty space. It was a cold day, empty canvas kind of November day. I love that about November - the poetic beauty of the golden grasses folded over, the white birches in stark contrast to the grays and browns. I knelt down to his level and saw the world from there. What a world it is. I opened the window and our eyes at the same level gazed out of the very bottom of the window - saw the trees blowing, felt the c o l d breeze blowing into the house and just lived it. Just LIVED it. It might have been my favorite few minutes of the whole year.

Then today we walked out of an early morning appointment (my dentist appointment where Magnus laid on my chest the entire time just watching and being close) to a flurry of snow swirling down. "Snow!" I repeated to him over and over as he gazed in wonder. We knelt down in the parking lot so he could touch it. "Cold!" I said. We came to the car and he poked out his tiny little pointer finger to scoop up the snow and I pushed it into his mouth and he giggled. And then he ate a lot of snow off that little pointer finger.
Some days I literally don't know how I do it - balancing my work, child care, house, food, a husband, his long hours at work and just all else but most days I just can't believe that I can do it, that I am doing it and that I love it. Because I really do love it. Experiencing life through the eyes of #3? It is still so new and beautiful to me too. Different than #1 and #2 and just so unbelievably beautiful. I am so thankful for the grace these little people show me in those little moments of life. Small slices. Bits and pieces. Beauty, every inch of it is beautiful...